


Falling in Love

by aishjinjaa



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Falling In Love, Getting Back Together, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:07:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23492194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aishjinjaa/pseuds/aishjinjaa
Summary: Falling in love with Kim Doyoung was the easiest thing in the world.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung
Comments: 11
Kudos: 141





	Falling in Love

Jaehyun picks up the pieces.

If he was still young and innocent, he would have still done the same—attempt to pick up the pieces—but someone would have stopped him from doing it. Someone older, someone more experienced would have told him not to carelessly pick up and reassemble something that had already broken or he would get himself hurt. He could at least get someone else’s help. But now he knew he had to pick the pieces up himself. The breaking had already hurt him beyond anything else in the world, picking up the pieces and adding in some more cuts couldn’t possibly hurt him more.

The cold wind bit his skin even though he’d been thickly covered from head to foot—this year’s winter is even harsher than the last. But Jaehyun kept walking, dragging his heart behind him, which was more unwilling to go than his mind was.

Every step had become painful but he tries to live through it. He thought that being in constant pain would numb him from more, but he was so wrong.

Their relationship didn’t end in a pile of acid, nor did they let it be carried by the wind. Both of them _tried_ down to the last second, they fought to keep it and each other. They did find a semblance of familiarity by the end, but they’d both already been hurt too much with all the years of holding on to something that had already turned corrosive. But _oh_ did Jaehyun love him so much. They’d had it coming for years but he was still nowhere ready when Doyoung had suggested they end it once and for all.

The day Doyoung moved out of their shared apartment, he repeated to himself, _they both needed this, they both agreed to this, they both have to do this._ But now, months down the line, when he had reached the point where he had decided to stop lying to himself, he knew he didn’t want to let go. If it was up to him, he would have kept fighting. We would have done anything just to keep him.

But Doyoung was hurting. Doyoung was unhappy. And he was in no place to force him into an unhappy relationship. One of them should be happy, at least. And there was no doubt in his mind that it should be Doyoung.

The was no fighting when it ended. There was no begging, there was no resentment. Just a lot of hurt. It ended with Jaehyun sobbing on the bedroom floor right after Doyoung left with the last of his things. He’d hugged him and kissed his cheek right before leaving but Jaehyun had pretended to be okay. He didn’t want to guilt Doyoung into staying.

He’d been so helpless.

For days, he could still clearly replay the sound of Doyoung’s receding footsteps.

He had to take a few days off. He wasn’t so incapacitated but he didn’t want to show up at work looking like a train wreck. If Doyoung had taught him anything, it’s to never let his personal life get in the way of his professional goals. It could take him longer than a week to heal on the inside, but it was enough for him to _at least_ look like he was faring well.

He did so well pretending, some of the gossips around the office revolved around him cheating since he looked like he wasn’t affected by it at all. But inside it was eating him all up, consuming every remaining nerve until all he could think of was how much he missed him and how much he wanted him back.

But some of his closest friends knew.

He refused to go out with them for around four months since he couldn’t find it in him to have genuine fun for a while. He didn’t like the pain, it was horrible and he wanted it to go away as soon as possible—he almost pressured himself to move on and get over it, but his friends were understanding. They encouraged him to _feel_ what he needs to and to take all the time he needs to heal. After all, they’d been together for six years and it was obviously not going to be easy to let that go.

-

He met Doyoung through work.

Doyoung worked for the accounting department of his company, while Jaehyun worked for the budget department in his. At the merging of the two companies, their departments had to work closely together in a series of seemingly endless paper filing, number crunching and wasting overtime pay through running away to the rooftop to drink juice pouches. He’d been immediately attracted to him, who wouldn’t be?

Kim Doyoung was beautiful in every sense of the world and the moment he saw him walk past his cubicle to hand over a bunch of old reports, he’d wanted to know the personality behind such a gorgeous face. His immediate attraction was apparently obvious, too, as Johnny, who sat in the cubicle across his back then, had immediately given him a teasing look.

“Was I that obvious?” he asked as soon as they were out of the building.

“You looked like you were willing to sacrifice me to a witch coven if he asked.”

“Well,” Jaehyun tried to shrug it off. “He was just pretty, that’s all. It’s not like I’m gonna like him.”

He’d never been more wrong in his entire life. Working with Doyoung was the only thing that kept him alive through the months of stress and headaches that the merger gave them. Having Doyoung smile at him from across the table and listening to him whisper grumble was the highlight of it all. The situation had almost been unbearable, but looking back at it, Doyoung had made it one of the best months of his life and that was almost impossible to do.

The first time he’d invited Doyoung up to the rooftop for a drink, he’d been so nervous even though it was just for a few minutes in the middle of their overtime, and it was _not_ even adate. He was with Doyoung, that was already enough to scare him. Kim Doyoung was no longer just a pretty face. The personality matched the face in terms of beauty and Jaehyun knew he was going to be intensely fucked.

According to Johnny’s predictions, he and Doyoung were finally gonna do something about their sexual tension, fuck it out, and then they would either finally end everything, or get together. But it had been the total opposite.

Falling in love with Kim Doyoung had been easy but intense. Jaehyun felt it growing, little by little, and to his defense, he did try to stop it. But a single look at Doyoung just sent his mind reeling. He was so open-minded and kind-hearted, he loved his friends and family a lot, and Jaehyun wanted to be a part of it.

They’d gone on what Johnny called _unrequited dates._ They went on road trips, carnivals, concerts, dinners, late-night walks when Jaehyun couldn’t sleep—but they were dates in Jaehyun’s mind alone. Eventually, it had almost been too much. He’d been holding back too much and he was scared he was going to go insane from keeping it all in. Having Doyoung near him makes him overflow with emotions, some of which he’d never even felt before. So, he decided to open the lid a little and let some of his feelings simmer out, just enough to hold back for a little more.

He’d pat Doyoung by the head, he’d sometimes cup his face, tell him he’s cute, and smart, and kind—just enough.

Doyoung had confessed first, crying against his cheek. “I tried so hard not to like you,” he’d whispered. “I knew I’d like you too much and I was scared.” The night ended with Jaehyun opening up the lid a little wider through confessing, himself, telling Doyoung that he wasn’t the only one who was terrified of liking the other too much.

-

Their relationship was beautiful. He and Doyoung fit together beautifully and they’d both worked so hard to communicate and understand each other. It hadn’t been perfect, he knew that. They did fight, but they weren’t messy when they did. They completely avoided hurting each other and made sure to calmly talk things out.

Living together proved to be more challenging for the two of them but they loved each other too much to let small disagreements get in the way. Jaehyun believed that they shouldn’t go to bed angry, and Doyoung believed they shouldn’t speak in anger. They balanced it through both taking some time to calm down but also to never sleep before they’ve talked things through. It doesn’t have to be completely fixed, they just needed to talk and assure each other that it wasn’t a deal-breaker and that they still loved each other immensely.

He’d never been more in love in his life.

-

What did it was the distance. After Doyoung’s promotion, he had to travel constantly, they had to live on different time zones, and the practices they used to perfect around each other all just fell through. They went to sleep still angry with the other, they started miscommunicating because they had to talk through texts or chats, and they’d both started growing without the other.

Eventually, there was just this part of Doyoung he didn’t know about, and a part of him Doyoung didn’t know about. In time, it just widened.

Would he say they fell out of love?

Hell, no.

Along the way, they started caring less about making things work. They still had the desire, with the way they held on, but growing apart made it even more difficult. Eventually, Doyoung just decided to stop trying, and it broke his heart.

He’d also started to see a world where Jaehyun no longer belonged in, and it wasn’t unbearable, so it made sense for him to let go, and Jaehyun didn’t blame him. It wasn’t Doyoung’s fault that Jaehyun still had their future planned out and ready. It wasn’t Doyoung’s fault that he no longer wanted to live in a house near the ocean with him, it wasn’t his fault that Jaehyun stopped being in his 10-year plan. He still loved him, Jaehyun knew that, but he stopped seeing a future with him and it was crucial to Doyoung.

Jaehyun still has the plans for the house, maybe he’ll just live there someday, with someone else, or alone, he didn’t mind. He just couldn’t bear letting go of the biggest gesture of love he’d made in his life. Doyoung had no idea the house already existed somewhere—it was still wooden framework so there was no sense in showing it to him then—and he didn’t plan on showing it to him when they’d broken up. It would only break Doyoung’s heart.

When Doyoung had asked him to break up, he had seen it coming. He felt him giving him glances for _days,_ and he was ready to accept it. When he said it, though, he couldn’t answer right away. He’d been practicing. He’d say _okay if that’s what you want,_ he wanted to say, _I’ve been thinking about it, too,_ but he couldn’t because that would be a lie.

He gave Doyoung the hardest pause he’d have to take in his life. He felt like choking and he didn’t want to burst into tears right in front of him. But Doyoung knew him well, he knew that his silence was louder than any sob he could have been.

He probably stayed silent for around ten minutes, until Doyoung finally spoke up. “I’m sorry.” Jaehyun shook his head. Doyoung shouldn’t have to say sorry, he loved Jaehyun almost as much as Jaehyun loved him, he took care of him, he respected him… there was nothing he should be sorry for at all. None of it is Jaehyun’s fault. None of it had been Doyoung’s.

“Would that make you happy?” he finally croaked. He was helpless. He couldn’t think of anything else to do. He wanted to keep him, he wanted to kneel and beg, he wanted to hold onto his sleeve, stop him from leaving… anything. But none of those options made Jaehyun happy, because as cliché as it is, he knew the only way he’d be happy in the long run is if he made sure that Doyoung was.

He wouldn’t be able to stand soon, he knew that. But he could at least let Doyoung walk.

When Doyoung nodded, Jaehyun’s heart broke into even more pieces. There was no sense in fighting if he was going to do it alone. So, he said yes. “Okay, we’ll break up.”

-

He’d never been more in love in his life.

He probably never will be.

It hurt Jaehyun to think about, but someday he might fall in love again, he might even marry, but Doyoung will always be the one he’d love the most. He’d love him for the rest of his life, and he wouldn’t be able to completely let go, he’d just hide him out in the best drawer in his heart, and try to move forward with the drawer closed.

-

It’s almost been a year, down to the day, and his wounds were still fresh and open. He had a video of Doyoung that he still watches a few times a week when he couldn’t bear it and missed him too much. He was still weak when it came to him, even though he looked like he moved on _a lot_ quicker than he’d expected him to. He wanted to felt offended when he’d heard that Doyoung was doing so much better, happier, but isn’t that what he wanted? His happiness just didn’t include him anymore and Doyoung had every right to decide that for himself.

-

He sat in the café comfortably, glad for the warmth. It was a long weekend and he wanted to use the first day to go out before he was supposed to stay at home for the rest of the weekend. Maybe he could spend it rearranging the furniture, god knows he needed the apartment to look less like when Doyoung was still there. It could have been contributing to why being in there still hurt him.

He ordered a warm mug of coffee to ease the cold of his limbs as he clasped the box in his hand. For some warmth, something, he didn’t know. All he knew was that if he didn’t hold onto something he might fall.

He spotted Doyoung as soon as he walked into the café. He didn’t want to glamorize his emotions, but it genuinely felt like oxygen rushed back into his lungs and it wasn’t so cold anymore.

He looked really nice, Jaehyun wanted to cry. But he wasn’t there to beg him to come back, he was just there to give him some of the things he’d forgotten to bring back with him.

“Hi,” Doyoung smiled breathlessly. He didn’t think a single greeting could bring this much life back into him but it did. He should not be this dependent on Doyoung, he knew that, and he was working on him, but right at that moment, his heart reacted to Doyoung with the way that it was used to. Months had passed and he was still intensely in love with this man and he couldn’t just squash it by will.

“Hi.” Jaehyun smiled. He hadn’t talked to him in months before he contacted him a week ago to ask him if he knew where his school documents were. Jaehyun searched the house in tears, even more so when he saw a box of polaroids that Doyoung had purposely left behind.

“Thank you for meeting with me,” Doyoung smiled at the waitress who brought Jaehyun’s coffee and ordered his own, before shrugging off his coat. He was wearing a beige sweater that Jaehyun had given him as a gift for their second anniversary and he tried hard not to react to it.

“I have them here,” Jaehyun handed the blue folder to Doyoung. “Your transcript and diploma are there, as well as some training certificates.”

“Where did you find it?” Doyoung asked distractedly while he scanned the contents of the folder. “I was sure I’d swept my things clean when I moved out.” It was a topic Jaehyun didn’t talk to anyone else with, not even Johnny. This is the first time Doyoung’s departure had ever been discussed in his presence and it was almost too much for him to bear.

“I remembered that I mixed it with mine, you know when I thought we needed it.” If there was one piece of information that Doyoung knew which indicated how serious Jaehyun was in their relationship, is when he figured out that Jaehyun had plans to marry him. He had once tried to propose but he immediately caught onto the fact that Doyoung wasn’t ready and halted his plans right away. He had their documents in a box because he went to a bank to check their combined credit and if they could afford to get married and the bank needed credentials such as their college documents and work documents.

They could afford it. But Doyoung didn’t want to.

Doyoung frowned a little, took one deep sigh, and then smiled. “Thank you for bringing them, in all this snow nonetheless.”

“It’s no big deal, I need to go out sometimes, anyway.” It was the truth, he often proceeded to the grocery store every after work during Fridays to buy some food but he stayed in for the rest of the week. It wasn’t very him to stay indoors all the time, it was more Doyoung, but he wasn’t really feeling it yet.

Doyoung eyed him curiously before motioning to the box. “What’s in there?”

Jaehyun touched the box again. It had the polaroids and some other things that Jaehyun had given him, all probably left intentionally, and bringing it was a moment of weakness on Jaehyun’s part. He clutched the edges before pulling them away from Doyoung and closer to him, hugging it close. “Nothing.” It crushed him to call all of it _nothing._ It was barely nothing. It had a bracelet he’d given on their first anniversary, the polaroids, the sticky notes Jaehyun sometimes left for him at work, a book of poems that expressed how much he loved Doyoung… it was _not_ nothing. For him.

“Jaehyun…” Doyoung started, barely audible. He reached for the box and he held onto it tightly instinctively.

“It’s nothing,” he insisted. He knew he looked weak, he liked to blame it on the cold and the lack of proper nutrition in months, but he knew he couldn’t last long in that booth with Doyoung. What once was overwhelming fondness was now overwhelming helplessness. He was still fond of Doyoung, he will always be, but right now, he was constantly reminded of how he just cannot let him go.

“I didn’t mean to leave them behind.” _So, he knew what was in there._ “I just thought… I’d never move forward if I had too many things that reminded me of you. You understand, right?”

As much as it hurt him, he did. He nodded and gave him the strongest smile he could muster. “I know, don’t feel guilty. It was just… a small error on my part. I didn’t intend on bringing it. I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable.” He looked away, trying to focus on a single window on the building right across the street to remind himself to breathe and focus. He could get through this day—he could get through this hour.

“It didn’t, Jaehyun.”

He’d succeeded in focusing, but only enough to tell Doyoung he needs to go. “Is the folder complete?”

“Yes,” Doyoung smiled. “Thank you.”

“You’re always welcome.” Jaehyun smiled sadly and tried to steal one long look at him. It might be the last for a long time. While he looked at Doyoung, he spotted some indications that he might not have been completely happy with their break up like he thought he was. His eyes were slightly darker, and he’d developed one new frown line by his lip, but that still didn’t mean that it wasn’t better for Doyoung now that they’re apart. And he’s still as beautiful as ever, just like he did eight years ago when they first met. “Stay happy, Doyoung.” He smiled before sliding out the booth and walking out onto the street.

He was barely across the street when tears had started falling one after the other, and he had to get away fast, as fast as the snow allowed him. He didn’t want to be sobbing in the middle of the street. It was pathetic, the way he still hurt from a break up almost a year ago. He was pathetic, still crying about a man who needed to be away from him to be happier.

He stopped right outside his apartment building and paused. He didn’t want to look like a mess in front of people who were familiar with him. He looked ahead and around, checking for any signs of another person but he couldn’t see clear with the tears blurring his vision. He wiped them furiously before stopping cold in his tracks. Doyoung had followed him.

“Jaehyun…”

He just stood there in the cold, with a million thoughts running through his mind. Did he immediately follow him? Maybe he just had to go in the same direction. Was he crying loudly? He couldn’t have heard him, right?

“Oh, hey,” he tried his best to act casual.

“I’m not.” He suddenly blurted out.

Jaehyun was confused but he could see Doyoung shiver under the falling snow so he walked toward him and took his wrist in his hand. The contact sent shivers down his spine, and after dragging him under a shade, he immediately let go. He was still sniffling. “What do you mean?” he hated how he sounded.

Doyoung frowned, almost as if he was trying not to cry. “I’m not happy.”

Jaehyun’s immediate reaction was concern. “What? Why? Are you hurt?” he tried to scan him up and down but Doyoung cupped his face and forced him to look at him. “I’m not happy I left. I’m not happy we broke up, I’m not happy you’re not with me.”

Jaehyun had felt the same way for months and hearing Doyoung say he suffered, too, is almost too difficult for him to accept. “You weren’t?” More than just the thought that Doyoung needed him as much as he needed Doyoung, he was solely focused on the fact that Doyoung had just spent eleven months being unhappy when the whole point of breaking up was to keep him happy. “I regretted leaving right away. I wanted to beg you to take me back but I thought we needed some time apart.”

There was a portion of Jaehyun’s heart that wouldn’t stop hurting. “All I want is for you to be happy, Doyoung.” Was all he could say.

“I know,” Doyoung had started crying into his palms. “Johnny told me.”

“What?”

“He talked to me a few months ago, he asked me if I was as happy as you think I am. I told him the truth, and he told me the truth, too. He told me you were as devastated as I am.”

“Doyoung I—,” Jaehyun could barely breathe. “Those were the worst times of my life.”

“I know,” he nodded vigorously. “And I’m really sorry for making you suffer through all that, I just thought it was the right thing at the time. But I just can’t handle it anymore. I miss you so much.” His voice quivered even more in the last sentence. “I don’t need you to take me back, I just—,”

Jaehyun stopped him. “I do.” Jaehyun breathed. He closed his eyes and willed himself to decide according to what’s best for both of them. “I need you back.” He finally declared.

A smile bloomed in Doyoung’s face that reminded him of why he loves him so much.

Falling in love with Kim Doyoung was the easiest thing in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> Last night I thought "I should do a little Doyoung edit based on Cigarettes After Sex' Falling in Love and since they're one of Jaehyun's favorite musical artists I could imagine Jaehyun dedicating it to him" so I did it but the more that I watched it the more I wanted to write about how much Jaehyun loved him and here it is, five hours later. Sorry if it's rushed, I just wanted to complete it before I am crushed by writer's block again. 
> 
> I genuinely wish you enjoyed that, especially since that is my first JaeDo. I've always written them in my other fics but only as a second couple. I love writing them as my mains, and I will definitely write about them again.
> 
> Thank you so much for taking the time to read!
> 
> Here is the video that I edited that inspired me to write this: https://twitter.com/choisoftcheol/status/1246652175607934976?s=21


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